


My admiration crumbled quickly, this thing called love it feels so sickly.

by NintendoSatoRi



Series: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020 [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, Light Angst, M/M, Mentioned Azumane Asahi, Sad, Sawamura Daichi in Love, Sugawara Koushi-centric, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:02:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27329257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NintendoSatoRi/pseuds/NintendoSatoRi
Summary: Sugawara stares hard at the flying dust particles, wondering what had happened. Wondering when his emotions made him this vulnerable,  wondered when the changes happened.
Relationships: Michimiya Yui/Sawamura Daichi, Sawamura Daichi & Sugawara Koushi
Series: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1995355
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	My admiration crumbled quickly, this thing called love it feels so sickly.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello and welcome to Day 1 of Haikyuu Angst Week 2020!  
> As of right now, it is standard procedure for me to say that I am still quite new to all these types of HQ weeks, this only being my third one so I hope I end up doing this well.  
> It is also to note that usually, my fics during the start of the week are a bit bumpy and messy.   
> But I do hope these are good, I adore writing angst fics and I'm afraid that I may have numbed myself down a little while writing these haha.  
> Other than that, I wanna mention that I won't be always saying the bonus tier (tears) because I implemented that tier in a lot of fics already. And that most of these fics focus mostly on personal issues and stuff.
> 
> Anyways, now that the general information is over:
> 
> These are the potential trigger warnings.  
> \- minor self-doubt  
> \- a slight indication of feeling numb  
> \- metaphoric usage of fire and burning up  
> \- partial refusal to show emotions
> 
> Okay!   
> I hope you enjoy the first fic!
> 
> Daisuga:  
> Day 1, Tier 1 + 3: Longing, "When did it all change?"

He was so.. normal.

And yet he was also the most interesting person he had ever seen.

His fierce determination, never giving up and always pushing forward more and more until his forearms were rubbed raw and bright red from the spikes of their ace and kouhai.

Sugawara admired him.

He was always sure of that.

Suga had always admired the confident and powerful aura of Daichi, always shocked to see how much of a strong captain he had become.

Though he wasn't sure when those feelings changed.

Because now whatever he felt wasn't just pure platonic admiration for his captain.  
Now he wished to be able to run up to from outside of the court, wrap his arms around the strong build and never let go.  
He wished to spend late nights talking to Daichi, hugging himself close and forgetting all his doubts and worries in the other's arms.  
He wished to kiss his face whenever they won a match, leave the brown-haired stunned and in a daze.

Sugawara sighed, not moving from his spot in the empty club room.

He knew that he couldn't.  
Because Daichi had a beautiful girl already in his arms late at night, he already had a beautiful girl running up to him after every match to leave him shocked and red-faced, he already had arms that wrapped around his strong build.

And that beautiful girl was Michimiya Yui.

Sugawara's heart ached and his head dropped back, hitting the wall of their club room with a soft thump.

Daichi already had someone who loved him just as strongly as he could love.

He already found his partner for life.

Suga opened his eyes, vision hazy as he followed the little dust particles in the air of the club room.  
He should pack up, it's getting late.

But his legs didn't want to cooperate, his body didn't feel like moving.  
Suga closed his eyes.

"Please.. just move." He mumbled to himself, forcing his body to get up from the fetal position he had been sitting in.

Though he immediately dropped back to the ground, feeling weak as he laid on his side.  
His eyes kept watching the little dust pieces dance around in the sunlight that poured in, that looked much like warm golden honey, through the windows.

And as he stayed on the ground, he felt the tears slowly build and roll down the side of his face, blinking slightly as one tear from his left eye fell into his right.

Suga choked out a sob.

This isn't how it was supposed to go.

He never expected to love his best friend more than anyone else.

Though that is how it ended up being.

Sugawara stared at the wall in front of him, eyes empty and yet deep in thought.

When did his feelings change?

\--

Maybe it was back at the start of their first year when they were at a training camp. Sugawara hadn't been able to sleep and was walking around.  
He could hear hushed whispers about Karasuno from other teams' rooms, only causing his mind to run wilder.

Daichi had been there, and regardless of how tired he was, he was there to take care of Suga.

He was there to comfort Suga as he questioned why he even tried to play volleyball. He wasn't even the starter setter and the one time he got switched in, he messed up all of his sets.  
They were too high, too low, too weak, too fast, too close to the net or not close enough, and after hearing the hushed whispers of the opponents on the other side of the court, as well as the mildly disappointed looks that came from his upperclassmen, Sugawara felt like he could've burst into tears right then and there. 

Daichi had found him sitting by the drink vendors, pressing a cold bottle of green tea to his red-stained cheeks, eyes puffed up from the tears he had shed.

"Sugawara-san, are you okay?" Daichi asked, quickly approaching him when seeing how his teammate was curled up beside the vendor.

"Hey... you can use kun, we're both in the same year anyway." Was Sugawara's first response, lifting his head and giving the other a small smile before sighing loudly. "I'm okay, just disappointed in myself. I could've done much better on court today, but instead, I messed up and made us lose the set that we could've won." The silver-haired then added, shivering as he remembered the laughter being emitted by the other team.

"You shouldn't be." 

Daichi's raised voice made Suga look at him, raising an eyebrow. "Huh?"

"You shouldn't be disappointed in yourself. ou did your best out there and today was just a bad day. Maybe you didn't warm up properly or you weren't mentally prepared but I could see that you were trying your best out there." His voice back then had already been so determined and strong, much like that of a captain and maybe that was when Suga had noticed his feelings changing.

"If everything fails then you just have to try harder. We'll never win if we don't believe we can."

And as Sugawars glanced up at him, he saw the shine in the other's eyes, his mood lifting in an instant.

A smile graced his face before he even knew it.

"Yeah. You're right."

The two looked at each other one last time before Daichi helped the silver-haired up, walking him back to their team room.

\--

Maybe it was in the middle of their first year when they had lost in the Interhigh Qualifiers. Suga had been so excited, so hopeful because they had been practicing and the team _finally_ clicked together, only to be kicked out in the second round. And even though he wasn't even a starter in the game, he felt as though he let the team down.

Was his cheering not loud enough? Was his excitement not strong enough? Was the way he yelled and jumped around not enough?

Sugawara didn't know. But he knew that what he felt couldn't be as bad as what Asahi and Daichi especially were feeling now.  
He saw their eyes, how much grief they held and the tears welling up in everyone's eyes as they headed off the court silently. They didn't even need to thank anyone. There was no cheer squad assigned to them anyway.

The three first years sat in the back of the bus, as still as a mouse as silent tears rolled down each one of their faces. No win, again.

It didn't stop the three from practicing until late at night until the only thing Suga could hear was "Over here!" thrumming in his eardrums and "One more!" from them all. He set, Asahi spiked and Daichi received. One after the other, they didn't let the words from their now former captain leave their head.  
 _Always take advantage of the chances we get._

It was when the three got kicked out of the gym and Asahi having split paths with them, that Daichi had stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, staring down at it as though he could dig straight through it.

Suga had stopped then, looking at the younger questionably. As he reached to tap Daichi's shoulder, he flinched back slightly at the way the other's hands suddenly came up to slap either side of his face.  
"I'm sorry Suga."

"Sorry for what?"

"For not winning. I heard your cheers, they really helped the team and we still couldn't win. I still couldn't receive all balls and I'm sorry." Suga could hear the guilt in his voice, could see the tension in his shoulders.  
So he did what he knew best: cheer people up, be something to refresh their minds.

Suga gave a hearty laugh, his body shaking lightly before he punched Daichi in the gut, putting and shaking his head. "Daichi, stop blaming yourself. We're gonna make it, trust me."

And with those words ringing in their heads, the night slowly began to pull over them, the two going different ways just to meet again in school the next day.

\--

Maybe it was in their second year when the new first years joined and Daichi had begun ordering them around when their captain wasn't able to. He already had the natural aura of a captain, someone who could lead.  
Suga always admired how responsible he was, how concentrated he could be in-game. Even as he stood on the sidelines, he watched Daichi.

His love for volleyball was astonishing. The determination Daichi held was incredible. Sugawara didn't care how often he said it because it would never change. Never had he seen Daichi lose hope in volleyball, it only dampened sometimes. But that happened rarely because he knew how Daichi would never give up.  
He wished he could tell the other how much he admired him, how much he loved how he was but every time he tried, he felt his throat clog and his chest tighten.

The late nights, asking their captain if they could practice just a little longer, Suga and Daichi receiving, the balls flying back and forth as they stayed quiet in concentration.

"We don't get many practice matches, huh." Suga started, the fleeting thought not leaving his mind until he said it, sighing softly.

Silence filled the air aside from the volleyball hitting their arms and the gentle squeaking of rubber sports shoes hitting lacquered gym floors.

Suga almost thought he had said something wrong before Daichi gave a sigh of his own, nodding and catching the ball the next time it came flying towards him in a high arch.  
"Yeah, you're right. We don't."

"We are just the flightless crows, the fallen champions." The two said together, sharing a laugh that didn't reach their eyes as they decided to start packing up. It was getting dark anyway, and that day had been exhausting.  
"I wonder when we'll take flight again." Suga then hummed as he ran the mop up and down the court while Daichi started on the other side.

"Who knows? Our new members seem promising. Especially Tanaka and Nishinoya." Daichi gave a smile at that, and Suga could only agree, a fond smile adorning his face as well.

"Yeah, you're right."

\--

Maybe it was at the beginning of their third year.  
Asahi had stopped coming to practice because of their loss to Date Tech.  
Nishinoya was suspended from school and club activities. 

They were just about enough to make a full team of six people and Coach Ukai wasn't there to coach them anymore so Daichi had taken over that, giving everyone instructions on how to practice and what to do.

Once again Suga could do nothing more but admire Daichi as the new captain, taking the role so easily as though he meant to have it all this time.  
His ability to talk to the team, give them orders, and actually make them bond over time was amazing in Sugawara's eyes, Daichi in general was.

And for some reason, Suga found it hard to look away whenever he sent him a toss or when he threw a ball at him to receive. He wasn't sure why, or what had caused such a reaction. Maybe it was the smile Daichi had on his face after every successful practice or the way he stretched and leaned to receive the balls Suga couldn't even imagine getting.  
Maybe it was the way Daichi sometimes treated them all for meat buns after their afternoon practice or the way he walked Suga home every Tuesday and Wednesday because he had an activity to do around Suga's neighborhood on those days.

Suga didn't know why.

But he didn't think he needed any when he saw Daichi running up towards him, high-fiving him for a job well done. Another good toss sent towards everyone, another practice where he had shown himself to be a good asset in this years (barely there) roster.

"Suga." The mentioned turned his head to face the other, smiling at him as he began to take down the net.  
"What's up Daichi?"

"Can I... talk to you? When you have the time. I'm not sure who else to talk to about this."

And for some reason, Sugawara felt a little flutter in his chest, followed by a feeling of dread.  
How come he was so nervous? Daichi just wanted to talk to him.

He put on a smile, knowing he probably looked a little nervous.  
"Huh? Yeah of course. I'll come to you when I can talk."

\--

Maybe it was three days after that when Daichi told Suga about how his feelings towards another third year, a girl he knew went to middle school with him. Her name is Michimiya Yui.

This date could've only been remembered because Sugawara didn't understand the twinge in his heart at hearing that little confession, didn't understand why his throat suddenly constricted and why Daichi's reassuring smile suddenly turned painful to look at.

He only knew it hurt to smile back at him, nodding along and promising to help out in any way he could. He only knew that when he was hugged by Daichi the next minute, it felt like his flesh was burning and his heart was ignited. The burning of his skin hurt so bad but his heart was spraying sparks because _Daichi was hugging him_ and Sugawara wasn't sure what his body was supposed to do anymore except hug back.

"Thank you, Suga. I really appreciate it. You're the best friend anyone could only hope for."

And Suga was stunned to silence, only nodding before watching Daichi leave after a short bye.  
He felt the twinge in his heart suddenly burst open, the pain leaking out into every fiber of his body and the first tears started to roll down his face before he was even aware of it.

Oh.

Of course.

All Suga was, was just Daichi's best friend.

\--

Or perhaps it was right at this moment.  
Right as Suga was laying on the dusty floor of their club room, the evening sun now long gone down since then. He was almost waiting for the school faculty to find him lying there, one side of his face soaked in tears and covered in small pieces of fuzz after laying his head on the ground like that.

Sugawara finally found the strength to heave himself off the floor, legs shaky and knees wobbly. No one was there to help him up.

His steps towards the door were slow-paced, sluggish almost. They seemed tired like he'd already given up on the task of walking as Suga took even slower steps outside. He shivered in the cool air that the night brought with it, felt his heated skin cool only slightly but before he knew it, the chilled skin was coated once more by warm, salty tears.  
That's right. Daichi's best friend, nothing more, nothing less.

As he quietly walked through the now empty gates of Karasuno High, Suga could only cry more.  
Why couldn't he have been the one to capture Daichi's attention?

\--

The answer was right there though, Sugawara noticed as he watched Daichi and Michimiya interact with each other. It was right there in their love-struck eyes, the way they held each other and spoke to each other. It was the way the smiles were large and happy and the way they seemed inseparable.  
The way Daichi kissed Michimiya's cheek to stop her from blushing, which would then result in the exact opposite.

He watched how he looked at her, the adoration so strong in his eyes and the way she looked at him with admiration. He wondered whether that was how he looked at Daichi.

Suga let out a breath, felt tears form in his eyes again, and the aching in his chest to ramp up a notch.  
It hurt so bad.

Though he threw on a smile as he joined the team in the gym, eyes wide and still so full of admiration for the captain.

But he knew it wasn't just that.

Sugawara was hopelessly in love with the captain who loved someone else.

And every single day, whenever he saw the two together, his head hurt and he wanted nothing more than to be the one in Daichi's arms, wanted nothing more.

It was the only thing Sugawara longed for.

The only thing he could never obtain.


End file.
